Adventures of a Bipolar Mom

 

The Calm Before The Storm, The Mood Storm That Is |I had a really good weekend. Yesterday I crashed. I felt like I was coming completely undone. I guess I was suffering from some sort of overload because today I feel okay again. It’s so crazy. Easter is always a big deal in our Christian family. We always get together and have a blast. This Easter wasn’t so bad for me either. Saturday my brother and his wife and children came over to dye eggs with our kids. It was a lot of fun, the kids had a blast. We all enjoyed ourselves. I didn’t feel violated or overwhelmed either, which was very nice. It was my brother though and I am pretty sure that made a difference. Easter Sunday we had a house full of my family. I was so busy that I didn’t have time to stop and panic over the crowd here. When I say a house full, I mean a house full! My brother and his family came back over, my Grandmother and her “friend” (chuckle) were in from out of town, an aunt I don’t see often joined us as well with my cousin that I haven’t seen in several years. I finally got to meet his wife and his beautiful little girl. I hadn’t seen his son since he was an infant, and he is now seven. Wow. I feel like I’ve been hiding under a rock. Getting ready for everyone to come wasn’t too hard on me. Usually I fall apart when the pressure starts but Sunday I handled it surprisingly well. I had a few “moments” but my oldest was a big help. He called himself my “assistant” as he proudly helped me get everything together. Even my 7 and 5 year old kids pitched in and helped too. The music was playing, the windows were open, and it was so nice. I felt great. Most of our events were outside, so I didn’t really have to deal with a large crowd of people in my house very much. When everyone was inside I did start to feel suffocated and I just headed right back outside where I could breathe again. All the kids had fun. I had a moment of weakness remembering my cousin who we lost when I was 17. Standing with my cousin who was there, it just felt like something was missing. It was her. Our little girls were on the trampoline having a blast, but there were only two. It really felt like I had this big huge void in my heart where she should have been with her kids. I got quite emotional over it, but I managed to pull myself back together. I asked my cousin if he thought of her often, and he does. It was the three of us growing up, we were all born within a 6 month time and we grew up very close. After losing her I separated a little from that side of the family. It was never the same for me and it hurt so much. He and I took a moment to remember the cousin we lost, and to love her. It felt kind of good knowing that there was another family member who could share that grief with me. I really miss her. By the time everyone had left I was wiped out. I was mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted. I sat down and didn’t want to get back up. I was proud of myself, I had so many people here and I did pretty okay. I felt a confidence I had never felt before. It was like I could breathe without panic again. Even though it was family, I was able to host a huge event and didn’t ever really completely lose it. Even after they were gone, I still didn’t lose it. Until the next day. Last night, I think I just reached an ultimate emotional overload because I started to crumble. My husband had a concert to go to and I was left with the kids. My patience ran out, I was irritable and frustrated. I was angry and hostile, without a good reason. When bedtime came my kids started carrying on (like always) and I just snapped. I stormed upstairs and yelled at them and told them that I was not going to tolerate any nonsense and just this one night they were going to listen to me if they did nothing else! I scared the crap out of them. I work so hard to keep the ugly side of me from them, but I had just lost it! The little ones don’t need to be subjected to my awful moods and I know that! How could I do this? I came downstairs, started crying because I was so ashamed at how I had yelled at them that I couldn’t take it anymore. I marched right back upstairs, hugged them tightly and apologized for my behavior. I explained to them how I felt, that I was tired and grumpy just like them. We all hugged and kissed, my kids told me to go to bed too so that I will feel better. They handed out the same advice I do to them. Such sweet little buggers. I wish I could undo that one single moment, but I can’t. However, I did try to get them to understand the moment that I had. They seemed pretty understanding, but man I really do hope that doesn’t happen again. All that pride I felt over keeping it together for such a busy family filled weekend went right out the window. As quickly as I fell apart the following day I realized one thing: I am still not quite ready for so much chaos. Certainly not two full days in a row. So now I have a new goal. Handle people here and make it through the following days as well. This morning I am doing better and feeling better. I hope this calm lasts because yesterday was just terrible.